Published January 28, 2006
Extreme
Perspire
Conspire
At midnight
Don’t breathe
It’s too late
Bitterness
Is done for
In the salty sea
Of sugary
Delight
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
It was definitely unique.
Yar, I agree with Firestarter.
You need to build upon this.
"Bitterness
Is done for
In the salty sea
Of sugary
Delight"
Seems like an oxymoron, I guess? Salty sea of sugary delight? I don't really get it. Just extend upon what you have here with whatever idea you had in your head when you wrote it. I'm sure it'll turn out alright.
Totally reminds me of the beet-nick scene... black tights and tiny glasses...
Hmm ... not much to work with here. I don't think writing three verbs for your first three lines was anything worth keeping. It doesn't do anything and doesn't achieve anything in meaning or look.
The second stanza is where the poem really starts. However, suddenly, it's cut off. You really need to extend your ideas and make this longer, because at the moment I find it too short and utterly unsatisfying. In regards to what is actually there, I liked the lines "In the salty sea/Of sugary/delight" (I think you should actually move the delight up to the same line as "Of sugary" though). That imagery is nice. You need to continue in this vein.
Basically this is a start. A alright start, but you need to build on it.